Building High Quality Relationships
“All of us, at some time or other, need help. Whether we’re giving or receiving help,
each one of us has something valuable to bring to this world. That’s one of the things
that connects us as neighbors—in our own way, each one of us is a giver and a receiver.”
Fred Rogers
The importance of high-quality social support cannot be overstated. In fact, quality social relationships have a similar positive impact on health as quitting smoking. Relationships are even more influential on our health than common risk factors, such as obesity, excessive alcohol use, and physical inactivity.1 Conversely, loneliness, living alone, and social isolation are each associated with increased risk of mortality.2
- Loneliness – feeling lonely, disconnected from others
- Living alone – lives independently, as opposed to living with others
- Social isolation – lack of social contacts and communication with others
It is important for our physical and mental well-being to reduce loneliness and social isolation. For ways to reduce loneliness please refer to the previous post[Reducing Loneliness https://ucoa.utah.edu/blog/posts/2020/all/loneliness.php].
But how do we improve the relationships we have? Consider the benefits of relationships, such as providing different types of support.
Means of Support: Instrumental versus emotional support
Instrumental support refers to receiving help from others that is concrete or tangible. For example, receiving a car ride to a medical appointment or assistance from a neighbor with yardwork. Emotional support is showing caring. This can be communicating you care, providing validation, demonstrating trust, or simply listening.
Consider ways you are showing instrumental and emotional support to loved ones and vice versa. Some questions to consider:
- Are there differences in the types of support you provide and receive?
- Which types of support are most helpful for you?
- Does it vary depending on the circumstances or person?
How do we ensure our relationships are quality?
Consider the people in your life—they usually fall into three categories3:
Supportive: genuinely want what is best for you, listen, and care.
Neutral: they may be busy, may not know how to be supportive, but not malicious.
Destructive: challenge or weaken you, undermining, can be critical and blaming.
People may need guidance about how to support you. Tell them what you need, such as:
- “I just need someone to listen, please don’t criticize me.”
- “You can help me by _________” (and provide specific examples).
- “I would really appreciate a shoulder to lean on.”
In order to maximize the physical and mental health benefits from social support it is important to spend more time with the supportive people in your life, provide direction to others, and limit time with those who are destructive.
Sources:
1Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.
2Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Baker M, et al. Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: a meta-analytic review. Perspect Psychol Sci 2015;10:227–37.
3Najavits, L. M. (2002). Seeking Safety: A treatment manual for PTSD and substance abuse. New York, NY: Guilford Press.