Strategies to Help an Elderly Loved One Overcome Resistance to In-Home Care
Almost everyone wants to “age in place,” or in their own homes. They also typically
say that they don’t want to be a burden on their children, and yet they insist that
they not be moved to one of their homes or to an assisted living facility.
An alternative solution can be professional in-home care. However, one of the most challenging issues you are likely to face when caring for an ageing or ill loved one is resistance to additional help from someone other than a family member, especially when they get to the point of needing consistent in-home care.
At the end of one of my dad’s stays in rehab, we were told he couldn’t go home without 24/7 care. He would rather be home, so he didn’t object. However, his wife kept it to herself that she was adamantly opposed to having someone else in the house until after Dad was home and the caregiver had moved in. Then she made it perfectly clear how she felt by not letting the caregiver do anything to help. Needless to say, we had to make other arrangements.
10 Strategies to Try
If your family member or loved one who needs outside help doesn't want it or strongly resists it, how can you get them to accept that it’s a necessity for them and for you? The situation could progress to the point where there is no other alternative. My dad’s situation came up suddenly. Hopefully, you will have more time to consider some of these strategies and gradually ease your loved one into a situation that is helpful for all concerned.
- Communication: Don’t hesitate to bring up the topic because you suspect that your loved ones will
be resistant to in-home care. It’s important to start talking about the need for additional help while it’s not an emergency and you still have time to discuss it.
a. Try to understand the source of the resistance. Some people value independence, some are scared, and some see accepting help as a sign of weakness or a loss of privacy.
b. Ask them about their preferences. You might not be able to fulfill all theirwishes, but it's important for them to know that their feelings are being considered.
c. Describe care from someone other than a family member in a positive way. For example, introduce respite care as an enjoyable activity. Refer to an in-home caregiver as a friend.
d. Suggest starting with just one service. My dad discovered he loved having an aid come in three times a week to help him shower and shave (paid for by Medicare.) - Timing: Schedule a time to talk. Let your family member know that the topic will revolve around how to get more help because you can no longer do everything needed to keep them safe and healthy. Choose a time when you can both berelaxed.
- Focus: Everyone wants to feel useful. Focus on why you need help. Point out how in-home care will help you. Ask your loved one to accept additional care to make your life a little easier. They might find it easier to accept, if they think they are doing it to help someone they love.
- “We” Solutions: Involve your loved one in the solution process as much as possible. Use “We” when you are negotiating. For example, “How can we work out the best solution for both of us?” vs. “What am I going to do about you?” No one wants to be labeled a problem. We all want to feel we are part of a solution.
- First Things First: Bring up immediate safety or care issues first. If your loved one agrees to home modifications that will help with their mobility but does not want to talk about in-home care, drop it for now. Tell them they’ve made a wise choice and bring up the idea of in-home care later.
- Independence: Explain how in-home care could prolong your family member’s independence. Knowing that accepting some assistance will allow them to remain in their home for as long as possible might be a mind changer.
- Trial Periods: Don't ask family members to make a final decision about the kind of care they will receive right away. Ask them to try having extra help for a short period of time. A trial run gives a hesitant loved one a chance to experience the benefits of assistance.If the trial period is a positive experience, the help can continue uninterrupted.
- Professionals: Professionals who are already respected by your elderly loved one can have a strong role in providing support and perspective. Ask the family doctor, clergy, or another professional to provide validation, support and encouragement. If your loved one could be in danger by refusing care, seek the counsel of an elder-care lawyer to ensure safety and legal boundaries are being met.
- Coping: Accepting in-home care might mean relinquishing privacy and adjusting to new routines. Your family member might feel frightened and vulnerable or angry. Help them cope with some loss of independence by explaining that this isn't a personal failing. Tell them the ways thatthey can still stay active, maintain relationships with caring friends and family, and develop new physically appropriate interests.
- Memory Loss: Dementia or Alzheimer’s disease might make it difficult for loved ones to understand why they need help. Keep in mind that the above strategies might not be appropriate when dealing with a family member who has dementia.
Resistance to outside care is a challenge that many families face. Spending the time to involve your elderly loved one in the decisions and solutions and emphasizing the benefits of in-home care will improve the care experience, your loved one’s sense of independence and quality of life, and your peace of mind. Contact a local home care agency for a private consultation on how one of their caring and informed aides can help.